Saying my good byes

Yesterday was a bit of a roller coaster.  I was trying to tie up  loose ends with work and family so I can be fully committed to myself come monday.  I don't know maybe its just habits repeating themselves.  I know that life can never truly be still and calm, there will always be surprises I will have to deal with but I would still like to try and start with a clean slate.

I tried going to OA because at the end of the day I do believe myself to be a food addict but its not something that worked for me.  I couldn't find a chapter for where I lived.  I couldn't work the steps online, they just weren't something that I connected with in any way but what I did walk away with was "One day at a time".  I think that is something that we should all work towards focusing on because yesterday is gone and unless I change my today tomorrow can never be different.  What I would love is to wake up one  morning without that impending sense of doom and guilt for the last 20 something years, I'm hopeful!

The one thing that did really help me was finding out that all my problems were tied into low self esteem.  I just couldn't understand why I had behaved this way all my life, why I had such a dysfunctional relationship with food.  Till I realized that I am a product of my circumstances.  I don't know how many people believe in it but I truly believe that our childhood experiences are what makes us what we are today.  So I have been working with the 'Overcoming" series of books and I cannot recommend them enough!  Till now I have only gotten through half of the one dealing with Self Esteem, I am still waiting on the book that addresses Weight Problems to get delivered.

My aim for today is just to relax, decide what exactly my strategy is going to be because I want to address this like I address other problems in my life.  Face it head on with a fool proof plan and hope for the best!

A life with new options

When I was younger I always consoled myself by thinking that I would be one of those girls that grew into their looks.  So what if I wasn't hot right now, I would be sexy when I was 30.  Its not even like I was trying to kid myself, I honestly believed it.  Now sitting at the threshold of 30 I feel I may have let my former self down somehow.  Almost 30 and hovering just shy of 200lbs wasn't exactly the dream life I had imagined for myself.  You know its funny how sometimes our mind plays tricks on us, letting us conjure up images of ourselves as thin, lanky, sultry model types when in reality it knows that isn't possible.  I am a petite, curvy girl and biologically I can do nothing to change that body type.  

Its hard to surrender when for so long you have held on to that perfect ideal, be it the perfect size or that perfect number on the scale.  Perfect being the operative word.  Its taken me a lifetime to realize that perfect doesn't exist and I still have a hard time coming to grips with the idea.  My addiction hasn't exactly helped the matter and it is perhaps the thing that has harmed me the most.  When you have an addiction it stunts your emotional growth, which is why sometimes I still feel like a 12 year old trapped in a much older body.  I feel like the years are flying by and I remain the same and in this case its definitely a bad thing.

Looking back on the years I feel like I have let so many opportunities pass me by, all because I was too scared.  Too scared of how people would see me, too scared they would think I wasn't beautiful enough or smart enough.  Till last week I realized that I can never be enough.  I can never be the person that satisfies everyone, it just isn't possible.  But it will all be okay as long as I can learn to be good enough for myself.  Self love is the answer, an easy enough thought but not so easy to practice when you have been fed a steady diet of self loathing all your life.  How do you break the cycle, at what point do you say ENOUGH.  I am enough?

So I am starting out on this journey of self discovery, I thought it would be easier if I had some support along the way.  Breaking through a life long food addiction is going to be a challenge but I plan to shock my body into it.  I have been a yo yo dieter for the past 12 years and this is the year I break the cycle.  

I have found that high protein works best for me so that is what I am going to look into.  Not Atkins because personally I don't think it is particularly healthy for your body to be ingesting such huge amounts of saturated fats but I'm looking into healthier alternatives.  I recently read that its also great for your skin and anyone that has had an issue with their weight might also know that the excess fat can wreak havoc on your skin.  I have entered into a phase of adult acne so bad that I actually cringe some mornings when I look at myself in the mirror.  After researching the options tonight, tomorrow I will discuss what I plan on doing to make my insides as shiny as my outsides!